Turning 23

Writing is therapy for me. Sometimes I write for closure to step out from the past, or new beginnings to wish for a better life ahead. But one thing for sure, I write because it is easier to write things down rather than to talk them out. There are things I just couldn’t bring myself to speak of but if they are bottled up inside, they will only kill the peace of my mind. Once in a while, I need to let them out. Hence, allow me. This time I write to close one chapter and step into a new beginning; hopefully. I went through a lot in 2019, that each day I prayed nothing but a better tomorrow. Every time I faced hardship, it broke me, but I was not surprised anymore. Just as I thought my life couldn’t get any harder. Oh, I was wronged. Life is full of surprises. I never thought that day would come. Just like that, I lost my person; the one I always put first; the one I am very sure without a doubt, I can call mine; the one that loves me like no other. He loves me on days I can’t even love myself. Someone like that – truly a God sent. If you ask me, who is my first love? Without a doubt I shall tell you, it’s him. If you ask me, who is my true love? In a heartbeat I shall tell you, it’s him. He was my home.

A huge part of me belongs to him. I put him there, up high – becoming the highest rank of my priorities. I know it’s going to hurt me a lot if Allah Swt took him back. So, I was prepared. Countless times, I imagine what my life would be without him by my side. I was prepared… but it still hurt. Letting him go was hard but learning to live my life onwards without him is even harder. He was always a part of my plan. Now that he's gone, I am homeless.

I used to pray so hard, I want to be mentally strong. Out of all the tests, the climax was when Allah Swt took Ayah. Ever since I've been hearing people telling me that I'm a strong person. Sad to know this is how I'll be the 'strong' girl I have always wanted. God works in mysterious ways! Nonetheless, I know Dia sayang. Forgive me though as sometimes, at certain circumstances, when people tell me to be strong, I will go numb. I wish I can put them in my shoes, make them feel how I feel and see what I see. I am trying my best to be okay. I’ve pushed down my sorrows and endured each day; smiling, laughing, getting my responsibilities done. It was so hard, but I am trying. I stayed sane for many hours every day, but when I couldn’t hold my tears for 30 minutes, I was told to be strong. I know they don’t mean ill. But can I just get a hug? That would've been better. Some even try to make a competition out of it, Whose wound is deeper? I know I'm not the only one that loses their loved ones. I'm not asking people to understand. I just wish people can give me space – to miss what’s missing from me. Isn't it normal for me to feel sad? Or am I being overly sensitive? Tell me.

Everyone has their own struggles, and here's mine; I have gone through a tough year. I started 2019 struggling, gone through 2019 struggling, ended 2019 struggling. Hence, so far last year is the hardest year ever throughout my whole existence on this earth. After one struggle to another, seemed like never-ending. And for every struggle, I would run to my safe place; Home. Weekends are the times where I get to recharge myself as I get to see my family - Relieving my pain and bruises, stepping back to evaluate my whole circumstances, and resetting myself for positive minds ahead. I thought I was mainly struggling because of my studies. It was my last year; things got complicated and tougher; Maybe because I was pressured with my studies, everything else seems like hell. For a long time, I wasn’t feeling like myself. I thought maybe when everything ends, I would feel better. I had plans. I did… but Allah Swt has His plans too. All the struggles, non-stop heartbreaks I went through, are meant to prepare me for a greater heartbreak; losing my sweet loving Ayah, my one and only, my strongest strength and greatest weakness; I lost my all. My heart is torn into pieces. I am left broken.

I did not see it coming. Just a day before Ayah fell and lost consciousness, I saw him, bid and kissed him goodbye, told him “I love you”. It felt like a normal day. He was able to open his eyes, look at me, talk to me, tell me he loves me back, smile and bid me goodbye. It doesn’t feel like it was my last day with him, being alive. Two days later, I saw Ayah on a hospital bed, full of tubes and wires – lying down helplessly. I was hoping it was just a dream. How can I possibly live when the one person I treasure the most is gone? I always say he is my Nyawa. If anything happens to him, I will die. I forgot, this life I am living, is not even mine. My journey doesn’t end just because Ayah’s journey ended. I might have plenty of time here still. I have to go on. I cannot give up just because I want to give up. It’s not up to me. This world will end one day but as a Muslim, we know it’s not really the end; we have the Hereafter. Nothing comforts me more than Allah SWT's promises. Often, I find myself crying to Allah Swt, pouring my heart out because nothing can heal or bring me comfort more than He does. The pain I feel is unbearable, something I can’t explain, yet He knows.

I'll talk and cry to Allah Swt because I cannot explain it to anyone else. It's easy. I don't have to say anything, my tears speak on behalf of my mouth, yet I am consoled. Unlike us, humans, we have to be told, for us to better understand others. We need to be informed. Sadly, not everything can be explained. It's comforting to know I have Allah Swt. We don’t have to tell Him, yet He knows. My hurting heart finds comfort in that; where I know I am not alone. He knows; He is always ready to hear me out, and the fact that my problems won’t be a burden to Him also brings me comfort. I can’t seem to fully understand the wisdom of His plan but, I am trying to figure out the hikmah of all these. Things were hard, still hard, and I guess will not stop being hard. When we lost someone to death, it breaks you in every way possible, in a way you can’t imagine. The fact you will never see that person ever again, never going to hear their voice ever again, never going to feel the warmth of their body ever again, tear you apart. I truly believe the reason I can stay sane throughout this insane period, is mainly because of this Deen I am holding on, Alhamdulillah terima kasih ya Allah.

Recently, I reflected upon me and figured out the bitter truth. I have been attaching my heart to this world when I should’ve not. I am attached to temporary things – terlalu cinta akan dunia; “If our inner state is dependent on something changing and temporary, that inner state will be in a constant state of instability, agitation, and unrest. This means that one moment we’re happy, but as soon as that which our happiness depended upon changes, our happiness also changes. And we become sad.” I forgot that Hasbunallah Wani’mal Wakeel – Sufficient for us is Allah Swt. My dependency should only be placed upon Allah Swt. And I learned it the hard way. I need to cut loose of my attachments; the things that I have been holding on strong – causing me feeling so hurt and broken; as if my whole world has crumbled. I need to stop letting this world breaks me. I need to detach – to protect myself, by putting this Dunya in my hand and keep it out of my heart. I’ll love but, I need to stop depending on them and putting expectations on things I shouldn’t. “Detachment is not that you should own nothing, but that nothing should own you.”

And look at today's date. It's February 18, 2020.

I am feeling bittersweet as today marks me turning 23 years old, Alhamdulillah and, also marks 3 months since Ayah left us all. Unbelievable that I can actually call myself an adult, and Ayah is no longer with us. Since a few years back, I've been sending appreciation texts to my parents on my birthday, thanking them and asking for forgiveness and blessing. As I grow older, I have this mindset apart from celebrating myself, it should be about my parents too. I am who I am today is due to them. I won't be here without their loves and sacrifices. But unlike the years before, I won't have to brainstorm for two wishes anymore. This year I am only blessed with my mother by my side. I am sad, but life must go on. I'll keep going not because it's easy. But because there's no other way. To stop is to die. I am still broken. I am still deprived. My heart is still in pain. I can't seem to figure out my path yet. But, I want to start over. I don't know what the future holds. But, I want to start over. I might fall again, most likely many times looking at how fragile I am now. But, I want to start over as I have a better reason to live a better life. I want to be worthy of Allah Swt's Jannah. I want to be reunited with my whole family there, a place with eternal happiness and no sadness.

I learned so much already. I might still clueless about a lot of things but, I figured out a lot too. I wish to live a life and then die without regrets. And the only way is to live by God. I never thought I would survive, but I did. I survive my darkest days. A diamond is a chunk of coal that did well under pressure. All of the heartbreaks left me with a deep wound I can never recover, a wound I have to bear for the rest of my life. But, that's okay. I'll take baby steps, slowly but surely. Focusing on the step in front of me and not the whole staircase. I will live a worthy life inshaAllah. When she's a daughter, she opens a door of Jannah to her father. Narrated in a hadith that Prophet Muhammad SAW has stated that "If parents are kind and generous towards their daughters, then they will be so close to him in Jannah like one finger is to the next." Prophet Muhammad SAW has also stated, "The person who is faced with hardship due to his daughters and is patient, then his daughters will be a curtain between him and the Hell-fire." I get these from attending lectures. They definitely give me strength! I am proud and bless to be your daughter. I will make you proud and bless to be my father in return. I love you!

At 23, I lost a lot and learnt a lot.

Alhamdulillah, I still have my mother.

If you've got your mother's prayers, you have got everything and more!

I am also blessed with loving families and supportive friends.

Thank you! I sincerely pray may all of us are worthy of His Jannah!

Sincerely, the birthday girl

18th February 2020